This is a follow-up to my previous post (http://iamfranksbitch.tumblr.com/post/37694320728/sloppy-joes) where I introduced Brits to the American classic, Sloppy Joes.
Let’s start off with the most important lesson here. I’m English so “Chips” means Chips, not crisps and not fries. Crisps are what you yankee freaks call chips, we British call chips, chips. In other words, a potato cut into “fingers” and fried or oven cooked. DO NOT confuse these with fries which are those soggy disgusting things fat cunts eat at fast food places… correction, what fat fucks eat in just about any place in the United States of fat bastards.
So now that you understand the difference, this post is for you Americans on one way to make proper chips. If there is an American word for what British call chips (remember, we have fries too, they are different) then please let me know.
You will need:
Potatoes - Large, preferably Maris Pipers (I think you hicks, sorry, Americans, call them Yukon Golds or some such).
Water - Lots. There’s a lot of rinsing and boiling.
A hot oven - No really, the oven I have access to doesn’t get as hot as it says.
Alternatively, a very large pan and lots of vegetable oil if you want to fry them instead. You could use a deep fat fryer with the fancy lid and bollocks but for fuck’s sake, grow a pair and do this properly or not at all.
Ok then, how to make British style chips:
1. Peel potatoes and soak in cold water. Ideally overnight but as long as you’re willing to bother to. At least an hour though. This is get rid of some of the starch.
2. Cut the potatoes into roughly 1cm fingers and again, place in cold water, ideally overnight but at least for an hour. I’ve always done both these steps but you could possibly skip the first step if you’re willing to soak the raw chips for at least 3-4 hours.
3. Add the uncooked chips to a large pan of cold water and bring to boil.
4. Remove chips form boiling water, tip into a colander and rinse under cold water.
5. Heat up a large pan of water (you can add salt if you must but don’t) until it starts to boil. Add 1/3 to 1/2 of the chips to the boiling water and allow it to reach boiling point again. Add the next 1/3 or half and repeat until all the chips are in the boiling water.
6. About a minute or two after all the chips have been placed in the boiling water, tip them into your colander again and rinse in cold water. You can at this stage freeze them for later or freeze them any way as some people prefer the texture of them cooked from frozen. Experiment and see what you prefer.
7. You now have a choice. Oven cook or deep fat fry.
7a. Oven cook: Heat oven to 250-275c / 460f - 500f. Place chips on a baking tray and pour some olive oil over them. Depending on the tray used you might want to spray some PAM on it first to avoid the chips sticking. Cook for about 50 minutes turning them all every 10 minutes until lightly brown on all sides.
7b. Deep fat fry: Being American you know how this works. Heat a fuck off big pan of oil till just before it sets light to your kitchen (about 190c) then add chips. Should be done in about 15-20 minutes.
Oh, again, some experimentation. For extra crunchy chips, cook first at around 130c for half the time then, when they’re needed, heat again at 190c.
8. Serve with appropriate condiments.
Ok, this is another very important point. Only certain condiments are permitted to be added to chips: Ketchup (no High Fructose Corn Syrup please), Brown Sauce (HP or don’t bother), Mayonnaise (Hellmanns or don’t bother) , curry sauce (NOT fucking BBQ you damned hicks), mushy peas, gravy, salt and (malt) vinegar.
The last two items are compulsory, I don’t care what’s wrong with your fucking heart.
Done. The very best way to eat these is either from a three week old (London) Times newspaper, from a cardboard carton covered in mushy peas or in a buttered bread roll. Now, if you opt for the latter please note that it is punishable by death if you line the chips up neatly inside the roll. Grab a handful, throw them in the roll and squish it down so you can fit it into your gob.
Now, never eat fries again. Gob-shites.